Low

My mind is so flooded with memories. Deja vu from music i listened to when I would lay in the yard at my mothers house underneath the stars. How the quiet and the way everything was so slow felt comforting. That was my home.

I’m in pain. But I can’t tell whats wrong anymore. I have triggers that I’m starting to pick up on But I can’t necessarily avoid them. There’s a million things that i know i will never forget

I wont forget what it felt like to stay at the pool late. Before i stayed up all night. How the grass left imprints on my legs while i talked with the people i was convinced were going to be my friends for life. The people from that town are in every memory that i have.

People I met when i was 4 years old grew up with me. I graduated high school with them. And now they are a memory. They live parallel to me but our paths don’t cross again. I miss it, but i never want it again.

Sleep is starting to feel like an escape again. But i never want to sleep anymore. I know what beauty there is in the world. And i want to see it. I just don’t have the energy to. Im trying. Im trying to get myself into a better place. But the drug like appeal of not eating is starting to sound better and better. I hear my mothers voice telling me to drink my water when I’m hungry. I hear her if i ever go for seconds.

Im missing my momma. I know that I wasn’t the problem. But i feel if i want to talk to her again i would need to apologize even though I’ve done nothing wrong. Im building a life for myself and i want her to be proud and not jealous. To not think that i left her out to dry. But I remember how hurt i was. She tried to hard to be my friend instead of my mother.

My hands are cold much more often. My body has been shaking. And in pain. How do i navigate the healthcare system on my own. How do i figure out what is wrong with my body or is it all truly just in my head.

How do i know if people are in my life because they care or because they have something they want to gain.

Am i a selfish person because i want to be a somebody but need to take my time. If i disappeared from the media world would i be happier? I find so much joy in it. I feel connected in a way I haven’t in a long time.

But none of it is real. None of anything is real.

I don’t now who i am or what my favorite things are. Don’t know what makes me me and I doing now if god exists.

My mother through herself further into religion when my pop pop passed. But if she’s been following the word why wont she act different. Ask for forgiveness. Even just acknowledge that i was a child . I was a child and she was looking for me to take care of her.

I took a big part in caring for my brother, wether anyone else sees that or not.

But i did that. I hugged him and was his shoulder when she was drunk. I may have been horrible at times but i made sure he was taken care of when she wa spreocupied.

Im getting numb. I don’t want to write anymore

I feel like i did when i was in high school. Spending hours in the principles office because guidance was busy and I couldn’t be left alone. I miss my team of teachers that had my back through everything. I miss the Spanish teacher who i very much recognize as someone who loved me like a daughter.

I miss the relationship i had with my step mom before she was my legal step mom. I adored her. I thought that she was more of my mother than my mother was. And I meant that. I would’ve shouted it at everyone. And then i got guided into not liking her. I didn’t go. To my fathers wedding. I stopped talking to both my dad and stepmom for quite a while. I was growing up and she should’ve never told me her feelings about either of them. She should’ve never have never made a face or a comment when i told her i was going to be a bridesmaid. Because that’s why i changed my mind. That’s why I didn’t go. Because I didn’t want her to be upset with me.

I did everything to make sure she was happy and she never was. I tried to

I feel like I’m drowning. I fly and then i fall over and over and over. It’s exhausting