Emma unfiltered pt2

its currently 5:54 am on Saturday. I have been up since 3 pm yesterday and have to stay at work until noon. My head is pounding, I’m dizzy, my back is spasming, and my pain is flailing up everywhere.

Im in a semi manic episode that is being chased with some self loathing instead of bad b energy. Very much feeling the I’m not worth anything feels. And here i am to tell you why and whats been going on.

Firstly I’m typing with my ubotie keyboard and it clicks so freaking good. Alsright so i made a friend over to she watched my stream and we talked everyday for about a week. She started getting incredibly clingy like clingier than clingy.she was asking for my address and pressuring me for it. So she could send me presents. I started to feel uncomfortable but didn’t want to be rude so i ignored it.

There were a few time that if I didn’t answer her right away she would spam my phone on all of my socials that she had. Then i was having a conversation with another friend i made. We were talking about a specific incident and this individual got upset about the conversation accused me of making unfair judgements and literally through a tantrum. Then like 15 min later she was texting me apologizing. Her bf reached out to me multiple times, AND since having stopped talking to her she has gone to everyone that comes to my lives to talk about how we aren’t friends anymore and has made two secret accounts that I know of .

And that it’s fucking exhausting. I still don’t have a car but I’m, getting a rental today so that’s good. Health wise i have no idea wtf is going on.

My brother called me to introduce me to his new friends and that was really nice to talk to him. Then he told me he’s planning to talk to. Our mother about her drinking. This is something i have tried to do with the help of therapists over the years to no avail.

I’ve been listening to lil mabu on repeat because I’m angry.

Im confused how i can be so angry but still so happy at the same time

I am truly happy I’m meeting nice people I’m having a good time. I have a house. I just wish i could work from home. My pai has been getting worse. And ngl so has work. But that’s a story for after i leave if and when i do

I love ocean water drink mixes from sonic. I’ve been very cold lately with the air conditioners being on all the time every everywhere.

Im scared to have a political opinion because i know there’s a group of a lot of people that will hate me because of it no matter what.

I want to get married. I want to have a baby. I love my darling so much more than I thought i could. He does so much for me and i wish i could do more for him. I want to stay home so i can coo and clean. I know its an outdated way of thinking but I can’t help thinking about how perfect it would be

I hear songs that I used to listen to on repeat and get thrown back in time. I used to listen to arctic monkeys obsessively. Because it was a band nick showed me. I would listen to feel closer to him. I listened to them in winter when I would drive back to my mothers house from nicks parents. And that stage of our relationship feels so far away. I have grown up so much.

I love music i love writing i love reading i love watching tv i love playing games i love making videos.

There are so many things that i love to do and thinking about and i forget and don’t do them because I hyper fixate too hard

I need more energy i need more time. I need more time to go home nd to stay home. Especially for whenever i have a baby. I need to quit nic but don’t know what to do exactly but i got that take care of.

Well I’m still writing and only about 5 hours 20 minutes left. My eyes are growing so wearing and i am so cold sitting in this fucking office

Aight well YALL just keep on swimming or whatever i love YALL